The Flight To Egypt

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane,
so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.

"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said.

"But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot.

Church Bulletin Bloopers

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service
bloopers:

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".
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Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights.
She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
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The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the
birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
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This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and
North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
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Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social.
All ladies giving milk will please come early.
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This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come
forward and lay an egg on the altar.
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The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of
the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
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Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray
the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do
something on the carpet should come forward and do so.
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The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every
kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the
addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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The senior choir invites any member of the congregation
who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare
privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
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The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
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The church is glad to have with us today as our guest
minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with
him. After the service we request that all remain in the
sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
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The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The
congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
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Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
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Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items
to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Acts 2:38

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder.
As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop - Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your sin...)
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks.
The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,
"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!"

The Vatican Debate

About a century ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally, there was a big uproar from the Jewish community, so the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jews realized they had no choice, so they selected a middle-aged man named "Moishe" to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk, and the Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. They sat opposite one another for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed 3 fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised 1 finger.

The Pope then waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.

Moishe pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up 3 fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up 1 finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was right here with us. I pulled out the wafer and wine to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. "What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish Community had crowded around Moishe.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe. "First he said to me that the jews had 3 days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I told him that we were staying right here.

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

The Children of Israel

Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out." "What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz allthe grown-ups doin?"

The Friendly Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church.
The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please." she answered.

"You really don't want to do that", the usher said.
"The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No." he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No." she said.

"Good", he answered.